Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of area. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, confident, let us have An additional position wherever American Gentlemen can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present Anyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly gentle energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he really should end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have change-down service."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

Report This Page

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires